Losing a loved one is always a challenging obstacle everyone faces throughout their life, whether it’s a loved one like your parent(s)/ guardian, sibling, distant family or someone special in your life. An average person would describe grief as a physical pain following a loss, often feeling ¨crazed¨ or experiencing a ¨personal natural disaster.”
During the holiday season, grief is a painful, jarring experience where traditions and happy memories are constant reminders of a loved one’s absence. Although it’s never easy to lose someone close in their life, some are lucky enough to understand how to process and take time to know the importance of expressing their feelings when losing someone. Others lose loved ones when they are a young child or young adult, finding it harder to cope, not knowing what to do with their emotions. According to the National Library Of Medicine, in 2015, approximately 8% of Americans lost a sibling before the age of 25. Actuarial Life Table shows that as of 2022 the average age of female deaths is around 75 years old, while the average age in males is 70 years old.
I was 15 when my oldest brother passed away, he had just turned 22. Two months after he passed, I started my sophomore year of high school. I explained to my teacher, Lynn, what had happened and she expressed to me that she went through something similar and told me that if I ever needed anything to let her know. I am thankful everyday to have a teacher that cares so much not only about you succeeding educationally but also about you personally. I have interviewed her on grief during the holiday season. These are Lynn’s personal feelings as someone who has also lost a sibling at a young age. (I am using her middle name to keep it anonymous.)
Q: What was your brother’s name and age when he passed? How would you describe his personality in 3 words?
A: ¨His name was Larry and he was 25. In three words? Oh my gosh.. I don’t describe much of anything in three words. He was positive, passionate and he was kind.”
Q: How old were you when he passed?
A: ¨ I was 26 turning 27 that February, two months after he passed. I was also 8 months pregnant with my first daughter.¨
Q: In what specific ways have holiday gatherings changed since your siblings passed?
A: ¨There are a lot of ways. Some of the traditions that we would have done in the past, we don’t do any longer because it’s just too difficult to just kind of go through with them, with him not being a part of it. Also as i’ve had children iv always tried to talk more about him but that’s still challenging for me. 25 years later.”
Q: What kind of support from friends or family members has been the most meaningful, and what has been less helpful?
A: “So I’m my own worst enemy with this because I don’t really ask anyone for anything. I kind of just internalize it all. But the most helpful has been his very best friend who he went to Korea with and they were very close. He’s been the most supportive, I think, because he’s not, like, an immediate family member, so it’s, like, the one person I feel like I can actually open up and be honest without worrying about making them sad and bringing up memories they don’t wanna deal with. I think it’s just me not feeling like I can express myself to family members, because I’m just fearful that it will make them sad. That has been the most difficult.”
Q: Do you have a tradition that you did with him before he passed that you still do now? Or a new tradition you do after losing him?
A: “So there’s not anything that I still do now that we did together. In the morning, though, Christmas morning in particular, I used to collect these snow babies, right? And everybody would buy me one, so everytime i’d open one up, I’d be like, let me guess, a snow baby. But we’ll still joke about that in the mornings on Christmas.”
Q: What helped you cope with this loss?
A: “I didn’t cope at all for a really long time, probably like 15 years. I didn’t cope, I’d just, you know, cry in silence and hide from everybody, more so to protect my mom. But I think it’s probably talking to people about it, being able to explain to my students, when I’m just trying to celebrate more but it has taken me a long time to get to that point.”
Q: If you were to give advice to someone going through something similar during the holiday season, what would it be?
A: “I would definitely, holiday, no holiday, just in general, just try to find, even if it’s one person or two people, to be able to talk to about the person or situation. Because I feel like when I do stuff like this it helps, but I would have never initiated this. But I think finding somebody, or like I said, a group of people that you can just lean on, and be better at than I was. So if I had any advice it would be’don’t do what I did’.”
Q: You have 5 children now, have you ever seen one of them say or do something that made you think of your brother?
A: “My oldest daughter loves Bob Marly and just loves that whole reggae vibe, and my brother was a huge fan. And then, with my boys they love to fish and my brother loved to fish. He loved the ocean. So yeah, I do see a lot in different ways like that.”
Q: Do you believe in any of these sayings, ¨everything happens for a reason¨, ¨when life closes a door, it opens a window¨, or ¨God will not give you more than you can handle¨?
A: “So, no. And you know how many people I’ve said, God only gives you what you can handle. Well, he’s got me confused with someone else. Because I had it, you know. I think that when people are trying to help, they say things because they don’t know what else to say. Like, oh you know, he’s better off, those types of things. There was no better place than right here with me. That’s where he should be.”
